Wednesday, November 02, 2005

US Troops Prepare to Deploy to Maintain Order in Paris

BSNN has learned that the Defense Department is mobilizing troops and planning operations to restore order in the capitol city of the Europpean province of France following a straight week of rioting that the provincial government is either unwilling or unable to quell.

An unnamed White House official, who insisted we tell you he is not Carl Rove or Scooter Libby, said, "Our recent experiences in dealing with hostile, ungovernable violent nations in Haiti, Bosnia, Kosovo, Afghanistan, and Iraq have prepared us for dealing with the Chirac government. Plus, our experiences in the Islamic world will make it easier to deal with most average Parisians."

He further stated the reason for the burgeoning deployment is that the President fears the lack of stability in France may ultimately lead to unrest in the entire region. Recent events in Spain support that conclusion.

An unnamed spokesman for NATO indicated there was strong support for this operation in the nations that support the military arm of the alliance. Britain and Germany have offered police officers to support the mission citing their experience with football hooliganism as an eminent qualification. France, meanwhile, refuses to provide troops citing the lack of a UN mandate for establishing order on its own soil.

Contacts in the office of UN Secretary General Kofi Anan claim he opposes the mission because, "France is too corrupt for even us to profit from this opportunity."

While planning and mobilization continue, the deployment may be delayed by US Europpean Command planners' inability to develop a viable exit strategy that would leave behind a democratic nation upon US forces' departure.

Said one unnamed military planner, "We're not going into this one without a plan for leaving, and establishing democracy in France will be no cake-walk. It's not like Kosovo where, while they all hate each other, at least they're able to talk to each other through interpreters. Our war-gaming gets hung up every time we get to a point that requires the French to talk to each other or anyone else civilly. We may have to depose Chirac just to get someone to answer the phone."

He continued, "And then there are the economic problems. Unemployment rivals that of many third world countries we operate in. We're hoping conditions won't be as bad as the Tsunami was last year, but we're expecting the worst."

They're hoping they can cope with the multicultural environement as well: "In Iraq there are only three conflicting cultures. IN Paris, we believe each individual building is its own, distinct subculture, and each subculture prides itself in being diametrically opposed to each of its neighboring subcultures on at least three issues."

A staffer for a prominent, drunk democrat Senator from a New England state immediately claimed the deployment was Bush administration retribution for France supporting virtually the rest of the world's assessment that Saddam Hussein had WMD before the invasion of Iraq. She was incapable of explaining this incoherent statement.

Meanwhile, failed president Jimmy Carter claimed that there was no evidence that there has been any unrest in France, and went on to claim that he could solve the problem that didn't exist with a raid consisting of seven broken helicopters and a Boy Scout Troop. Before he explained his strategy in depth, he was taken away by his handlers who told us he was late for a formal straight-jacket fitting.

America's highest ranking National Guardsman, Lieutenant General H. Stephen Blum, was overheard to say, "Nuts!!! We're not ready for this!!! All our French linguists are still trying to unscrew New Orleans!!!" Apparently he made this comment while bording a helicopter to fly to the US capitol to hit congress up for another $17 Billion in funding for armory office furniture because, "Our desks and chairs are 1998 vintage, maybe 1999 at best, while active component furniture is at least as new as 2000."

Career CIA burrocrats contributed heavily to this report, so think twice before you choose whether or not to believe it.


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